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You...again.

You...again.  Keeping me awake at night.
Your voice in the back of my mind.
Haunting and heavy, standing around every
Corner.

You've moved on and out.
Ignoring my cries and shouts.
Just when I'm ready, my feet growing steady
You...again.

Commandeer my dreams.
Oh what does it mean?!
Hoping so much, can feel your touch
Almost.

Years gone by since our last.
Better to leave it in the past.
I close my eyes, we've said our goodbyes
But then

You...again.

Shedding

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I don't know exactly when it started for me, but I'm pretty sure it was early on.  Maybe it's because I was the oldest or maybe it's just my intuitive nature but I always knew what was expected of me.  Be pretty.  Be pleasing.  Be kind.  Be a good little christian girl.  Make good grades.  Give them a hug.  Say "thank you".  Be quiet.  Sit down.  Stand up.  Say your prayers.  Repent.  Don't watch this.  Don't listen to that.  Wear this.  Don't wear that.  We don't want people to think...

Layer by layer.  Piled on.  Heavy.  Cumbersome.  Daunting.  Crushing.  Burdens.  Pressures.

The breaking apart was inevitable.
Track season.  I made it one day.  I ran and ran as fast as I could.  But I wasn't the fastest.  And I couldn't tolerate not being fast.  I couldn't take not winning.  I felt heavy.  I felt large.  I felt slow.  I felt failure.  So I quit track so track couldn't quit me.  And I was going to make myself lighter.

So I sto…

Homeschool, home-school, home school

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Here's the truth.  I'm afraid.  Afraid of failure.  And not just my own failure, but that I'll fail my kids.  That they'll be behind or not have their full potential realized.

We've decided to home-school.

The first day my son wrote--and erased--the word "September" at least six times before declaring that he was DONE! because he hated the way he wrote.  His handwriting wasn't "good enough".  This was actually the very first word of his very first assignment, so, naturally I felt like all was hopeless and I needed to run, not walk, to the elementary school to immediately re-enroll him.

And then I remembered some sage advice from another home-schooling mommy:  it's best to not really do much for the first little bit when they are transitioning from traditional school--they need to break habits and rituals in order to embrace the new learning environment.  I was already seeing it!  I tried to tell him that I wasn't going to be gradin…

Transformation Tuesday

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In spite of the layers of feelings I have on the Charlottesville riots over the weekend, I won't share them here.  At least not today.  What I will share is something I feel like I am an expert on and that is change.  Expert might be a little self-indulgent.  At the minimum, I am a "change addict".

This is an invitation to flip the script and express gratitude for the purging that our President has brought about in our country.  Long held toxic beliefs are being forced out of the shadows and into the light to be confronted.  Our challenge is not to meet it with our fists and drive it back into the dark; but it is to meet it with so much light that it can NEVER go dim again.
Change.  Anxiety about change.  Fearful of change.  Eager for change.  Restlessness.  I recognize the feelings.  It resonates with me on a personal and professional level.  The quiet moments alone when you stew over the negatives of your current situation.  You may even make a "pros" and &qu…

Color-woke

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This is a very difficult post to write.

On the mornings when I don't have to work, my son crawls out of his loft bed inside our converted closet and walks two steps and gets into our bed for morning snuggles.  This morning was no different.  He asked me to rub his back as he gently woke up and started to talk about what he dreamt of or what our plans are for today.  This went on for several minutes and I realized by the sound of my husband's voice on a work call that I really needed to start the long process of getting out of bed.

I started by asking Eli to hand me my phone that was on "silent" and "do not disturb" next to the bed. I started my morning scroll of texts, emails and instagram.  That's when he saw a particular picture of a friend who does not have the same skin tone that we have.  In an accusatory tone he asked "why are you liking the picture of a black person?!  Tan people don't like black people!"

As much as it pains me to w…

home...again

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home...again


You know that feeling you get when you return home from a long vacation?  You know, after you've lived out of a suitcase for a week and slept in a different bed on a different pillow and used travel sized bath products that you don't normally use?  And none of the food or coffee was the same as the stuff you eat and drink at home?  That feeling??!?

I don't know that feeling.






I get that feeling when I'm far away from "home" and I'm digging in my suitcase for one of five outfits I brought to wear or choosing a bathing suit to spend the day on a boat or at the ocean.










I get that feeling when I fall asleep kind of dirty but ridiculously happy and exhausted from all of the exploring and stimulation that a new place brings.














I get that feeling when I've woken up on a boat that I slept on under a blanket that isn't my own, wearing a long sleeved t-shirt that I acquired on my last adventure with nothing but a canopy of stars above me and the occ…

Homesick

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Today I sit in the little nurse's cabin at an all-girls camp in Hunt, Texas and you could say I am homesick.  I have been here for the first half of a two-week term working as the camp nurse.  This is my second year to be here and it feels warm and familiar and inspiring.  
But, it's not HOME.

FaceTiming with Eli

I've been FaceTiming with my family since I left a week ago and I got to visit with my son and husband in person a few days ago and my husband left me an information booklet that I received in the mail on volunteer and intern opportunities in countries all over the globe.  Now, if my husband brought me this booklet and proceeded to talk excitedly about his favorite locations discussed in the book it means only one thing:
He's ready to GOOO!
He doesn't show me things that he doesn't want me to drag him to. ;)

A night with my guys
I believe that God/the Universe/The Great Spirit gives us people in our lives to encourage our desires--which I could argue ar…